TruckerBombs.com

Good Sound Advice
"Things Only Experience Will Teach You"

Black Cherry Soda

Black Cherry soda is the Cat's Ass of soda.

Weaponize Your Colon

Best part of being an adult and losing ability to break down dairy is the ability to weaponize your colon with an hours notice. You finally are able to fight back on Airplanes and dinner with in-laws with a lift of the leg.

Dying From a Head Injury at an Anti-Helmet Rally

Dying from a head injury at an anti-helmet rally, when a helmet would have saved you, makes your fellow motorcycle riders at the rally look foolish.

Hotel Maids

Hotel maids are passive aggressive and use towel replacement as their emotional outlet. The only way to get the same # of towels each day as the day you checked-in is to leave them a card each day telling them how special they are to you.

Beating the Rich

The best way to shut up someone bragging about their success or wealth is to cut them off and say, "If someone kidnapped your [dog/daughter/son/sister] what percentage of your money would you part with to get them back?" Add specific details from their life for extra creepiness if needed.

Being a Bro means...

Being a Bro means never having to say you're sorry for beating your bro with a marten because your bro says it's a mink. When in fact it turns out it wasn't a marten, but a mink after all. Because Bros are just Brotastic that way.

Overhead Compartments

Overhead compartments on airplanes are not secret gateways to Narnia. No matter how hard you push your giant big ass bag, it is not going to fit. SO check your bag at the gate and get out of everyone's way.

Reenactors & Reenactments

Boston will not issue you a permit to reenact the Broad Street Riot of 1837.

Comics

Nothing is as unfunny as a comedian supporting something. If you are a comedian, your job is to find the stupidity in everything and make me laugh funny man.

Social Awkwardness

About the time you hit 30 years of age, there is a 50% chance that "I'm so sorry to hear that" is the wrong response to a friend's pregnancy.

Don't stick your foil wrapped penis in the light socket

Sometimes the internet gives you good advice, such as don't wrap your penis in foil and stick it into an outlet. Sure the electricity arcs between your meat and the foil, but the real reason is the paramedics can't find you in the dark after you blow the fuse. Check out the video on ebaumsworld http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80872560/

Superman Peeing In Mouth

Contrary to popular belief, getting drunk while wearing the superman shirt from your favorite set of underoos and peeing into your own mouth does not attract women. Also a urine covered superman has a hard time getting a ride home.

Conserve Water

Cities regulate low-flow toilets, but they don't regulate running sprinkler systems when it is raining.

Stripper Ass Used As Water Cannon

When the stripper at the party puts a funnel in her ass and starts filling her anus with water, you will want to back up at LEAST 30 feet. Trust me, when she turns on her booty cannon and hoses down the audience you don't want your face within 30 feet of the water gun she made out of her ass. This is how people get Pink Eye!!!

Testing a Man's Soul

Few things can test a man's soul like facing the choice of staying in bed where it is nice and warm, and getting out of bed and dashing through the 40 degree night air to pee. If you choose to stay in bed, the decision may haunt you.

Better to Touch Than Show

TSA sticking their hands down your pants is legal. Dropping your pants to show the TSA staff you are hiding nothing, illegal.

Save Your Yearbook

Save your yearbook. There is a 73% chance you will need it when you are older and trying to prove to your friends you went to school with the guy the police arrested on the news.

Kids Are Special

Yes. All kids are special. No. Never in a good way.

Upper Decker The In-Laws

Always... always... always wait to make sure other guests arrive at your in-laws' party before you decide to Upper Decker them.

Pay For My Women

The statement "I pay for my women" will always be taken out of context regardless of how innocent the conversation was before you stepped into a room of people and uttered it.

Dime a Dozen

Contrary to popular belief, dudes are not a dime a dozen.

Beware of the Blind Coworker

Don't piss off your blind coworker. She'll get her revenge by making the department spend a Saturday in "Sensitivity Training" for saying "See you" when they leave at the end of the work day.

Wind Turbines != Festivus Poles

During your presentation on geo-thermal energy at an alt energy conference, don't call wind turbines "Glorfied Festivus Poles".

Barnyard and Windows

Barnyard for Snort will not install on a Windows Operating System. It just won't... get over it! It's optional anyways and the native log works fine.

5 Hour Energy Drink

Contrary to the commercials where 5 hour energy gives you a small boost of energy so you can stay awake. Everyone I have talked to and me included have found it just tastes bad, makes your stomach feel sick, and is a powerful diuretic. But hey, there was no way we would have fallen asleep with our colons peculating with that ferocity! So technically it works.

Don't Eat That Cookie

Don’t eat a warm freshly baked chocolate chip cookie immediately before or after you head into the bathroom to get some thinking done. At some point that day you will wonder what exactly you just licked off your finger and it will haunt you.

Before You Smash Your Toshiba Bios

On Toshiba laptops, hold down the esc key on startup to access the bios. Unlike me... I hope you figure out how to access the bios before frustration causes you to 'access' the bios with your boot. While less gratifying, you won't have as much explaining to do.

What Grandpa Teaches Your Kids

When your 4 year old tells you that she has “some bad juju coming” while driving home from her grandpa’s house, pull into the next gas station or restaurant you see. Don’t laugh and say “don’t worry, you don’t have bad juju”. Trust me, that is grandpa’s code word for explosive diarrhea!

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